I often encounter couples who say "we have problems communicating" and they are looking for help in this department. And I also encounter couples who want me to be the referee in their arguments. I prefer to address the first group in this post! These are tried and true tips that work well in my marriage as well as with couples I work with:
1. Don't try to have a serious conversation when his team is playing or her favorite show is on. Attention is focused on other things and trying to have a serious head-to-head will not happen. Instead, let your spouse know you would like to have a conversation later after the game, show or when the kids are asleep.
2. Pay attention to your body language. Eye contact is important. Are you folding your arms across your chest and giving your spouse the "stink eye"? If so, stop it.
3. Listen. Listen hard. Listen like your life depends on it. And don't plan your response in your head while your spouse is talking to you. Instead, focus on what your spouse is saying. If you get confused, ask for clarification. After your spouse is done speaking, sum up what YOU heard in a few sentences. Then ask him/her to make sure you "got it".
4. Use "I" statements. NOT YOU STATEMENTS. Example: "I feel hurt when I walk in the door from work and you don't get up to give me a hug" instead of "You never give me hugs when I come home from work." See and feel the difference? "I" statements allow you to own your feelings, thoughts and behaviors, and not put them on your spouse.
5. Try to avoid WHY questions. "Why did you do that?" sounds harsher than "How did you decide to use diesel when you filled up the SUV?" (Yes, I have witnessed this statement!)
I hope these tips are helpful! Practice, practice, practice these skills. For some people, these skills will be more difficult,,that's ok. And don't expect to get it right, all the time. Our emotions can take over and we end saying and doing things that we aren't proud of. If you think your marriage can benefit from some professional help (not just refereeing!), then check out the AAMFT.org for LMFTs in your area.

In health, My healthy habits.

Whether it's working a full time job in or out of the home, shuttling children around, taking care of elderly parents or carving out that precious ME time...we are busy. At the end of a long work day, when you are tired and spent, do you find it difficult to reconnect to your husband or wife? Do you even have the energy to start an adult conversation? Here are 5 tips to help with reconnecting:

1. Create a "child free zone" - If your children are about 4 years old and up, this shouldn't be too difficult. Tell your children they need to play with each other (or alone!) while you and your spouse/partner have some adult time. Show your children the boundaries of this space, such as "adults only" inside the rug, on the couch, in the kitchen, etc. Set a kitchen timer for however long you want to spend reconnecting (20 minutes or so?). The kids must respect your boundaries and let the adults have this time to talk about their days with each other. ALONE.
2. Ok, talk. Ask each other specific questions about their day. What was challenging today? What did you accomplish? What are you looking forward to most tonight?
3. If creating the "child free zone" is difficult due to having babies or toddlers, save your reconnecting time until the children are asleep. (This also works well if you have to put off reconnecting time due to after school/work activities.) TURN OFF THE TV, COMPUTER, and PHONES!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, do it. Turn 'em off. Tune in to each other. Face to face. If you already have discussed "how did your day go", I suggest something fun. Ask your spouse to tell you a funny story about high school, her best friend, his first job, her first concert, etc.  You are getting the picture, right? Just ask a question.
4. Now talk about expectations. Talk about what you hope to happen tonight, tomorrow, this weekend, next week. When you know what your spouse is looking forward to or dreading, you can talk about it. Find out how he or she feels about these hopes and expectations. Take turns and let the other person finish before you reply.
5. Thank your spouse for sharing. Thank your spouse for opening up and being vulnerable, especially if you talked about some "hard" stuff. Tell him or her how grateful you are for their love and support.

In health, myhealthyhabits