I often encounter couples who say "we have problems communicating" and they are looking for help in this department. And I also encounter couples who want me to be the referee in their arguments. I prefer to address the first group in this post! These are tried and true tips that work well in my marriage as well as with couples I work with:
1. Don't try to have a serious conversation when his team is playing or her favorite show is on. Attention is focused on other things and trying to have a serious head-to-head will not happen. Instead, let your spouse know you would like to have a conversation later after the game, show or when the kids are asleep.
2. Pay attention to your body language. Eye contact is important. Are you folding your arms across your chest and giving your spouse the "stink eye"? If so, stop it.
3. Listen. Listen hard. Listen like your life depends on it. And don't plan your response in your head while your spouse is talking to you. Instead, focus on what your spouse is saying. If you get confused, ask for clarification. After your spouse is done speaking, sum up what YOU heard in a few sentences. Then ask him/her to make sure you "got it".
4. Use "I" statements. NOT YOU STATEMENTS. Example: "I feel hurt when I walk in the door from work and you don't get up to give me a hug" instead of "You never give me hugs when I come home from work." See and feel the difference? "I" statements allow you to own your feelings, thoughts and behaviors, and not put them on your spouse.
5. Try to avoid WHY questions. "Why did you do that?" sounds harsher than "How did you decide to use diesel when you filled up the SUV?" (Yes, I have witnessed this statement!)
I hope these tips are helpful! Practice, practice, practice these skills. For some people, these skills will be more difficult,,that's ok. And don't expect to get it right, all the time. Our emotions can take over and we end saying and doing things that we aren't proud of. If you think your marriage can benefit from some professional help (not just refereeing!), then check out the AAMFT.org for LMFTs in your area.

In health, My healthy habits.



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